I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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