I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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