Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
