Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
