woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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