i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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