I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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