Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
