normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
