just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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