No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize