You just made me feel so damn special
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
