He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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