I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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