he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
