My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
