I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
