I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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