i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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