I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
