I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
