He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
