Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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