dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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