Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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