I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
