My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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