ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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