Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
