when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize