These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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