you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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