he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
