theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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