I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
