I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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