I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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