Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
