Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
