Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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