I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
