im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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