Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
