I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
