At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
