I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So many bounce houses so little time
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize