i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
