you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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