You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize