apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Panties = found
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
