Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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