I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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