Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize