This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
