Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
