My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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