That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
