I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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